Cthulu Mansion - Movie Review
Cthulu Mansion has been known by many names. Things like Magie Noire in France, Black Magic Mansion in the USA, La Mansión de Cthulhu in Spain, and Why Did I Waste My Night Watching This… Wait, sorry, that last one was just my inner dialog as the credits rolled.
Where to even begin…
Imagine a film with good acting, a compelling plot, and solid editing. Now take that film and remove all of those things and you’ve got yourself Cthulhu Mansion. I will do my best to describe what could generously be called a story, hang tight this is going to be rough.
A magician named Chandu, played by the legendary British stage actor Frank Finlay, is conducting a magic show in his basement. He’s using a pile of notebook paper that has Cthulhu written on it that cause his assistant who is also his wife to burst into flames. Cut to twenty years later and the magician is now working the world’s most boring magic show with his mute muscle man assistant and his daughter at a traveling carnival. There’s no notification that there’s been a time jump. We’re just at this horrible show with no explanation. We then follow a group of leather jacketed hooligans that murder a drug dealer and steal his cocaine. They then slowly and gently kick a cop to death, but the cop gets off a shot that hits the group’s driver. The driver is the sister of the leader’s girlfriend and she refuses to leave him behind (None of this is explained. I had to piece together who these people were from clues.). So they kidnap the magician and his daughter and force them to take them to his mansion to hideout from the fuzz. Surprise! The house is a full of Cthulhu!
Not really, Cthulhu has absolutely nothing to do with this movie other than his name being placed on the titles and throughout the movie. The monsters that show up look closer to an elementary school’s paper mache contest than professional sfx creations. The movie could have been salvaged with good monsters or kills, but both fall flat.
Speaking of flat—let’s talk about the acting. James Finlay, who you may recognize from Tobe Hooper’s LifeForce, looks like he’s just washed down his Ambien with Everclear. His glassy eyes performance is the closest thing we get to actual acting on screen here. Melanie Shatner, daughter of William Shatner, actually finds a way to shame the family name here. Her performance is an education on what not to do in front of a camera. She’s a beautiful woman, but by God, her delivery is closer to a cardboard box falling down the stairs than a human reciting a script. Fortunately for her, the rest of the cast is even worse. I won’t list their names here to spare their families the continued embarrassment, but sweet Jesus they made this movie hard to watch.
I sought this film out as I always saw the posters on message boards and in Horror Hound for it. Watching this film was like being melted by the Ark of the Covenant without the awe. Maybe that was the point? Maybe it was meant to make the audience feel as helpless as an H.P. Lovecraft protagonist. The Old Ones stretched the 92 minutes into what felt like a penitent eternity of suffering. Maybe, but it’s more likely this is just another shitty feather in the cap of writer/director Juan Piquer Simon’s career.
It’s obvious our visionary film director was attempting to create an atmospheric film in the vein of Fulci’s The Beyond. The problem is he has none of the talent, money, or special effects wizardry that Fulci had behind him. He also lacked directing talent, writing skills, and a good casting department.
Do not watch this movie if you’re looking to fall into the comfortable arms of suspension of disbelief. Do not watch this movie if you want to be entertained. This film is so bad that RiffTrax couldn’t save it.
Leave the doors to Cthulhu Mansion barred, boarded, and bricked up for all eternity.
