Dark Waters - Movie Review

What do you get when someone attempts to mix the world of Umberto Eco with the cosmic horror of H.P. Lovecraft? A film that’s on almost every hidden gem horror list you’ll find on Youtube—and I can’t figure out why.

Let’s discuss.

Dark Waters is a 1993 cosmic horror film brought to us by writer / director Mariano Baino. With Mariano Baino at the helm, how could it ever go wrong? Am I right?

Just kidding.

Having a nobody director that worked single digit directing stints in his entire career isn’t normally a boon to a production. Pair that with one of the worst sound design performances in the history of film and you're starting at the point of no return. The sad thing is that this film could have been incredible with just a few small tweaks.

But—Nope.

Dark Waters centers on Elizabeth played by Louise Salter (Don’t worry, I have no idea who that is either), who is on a search for answers. Answers to questions her father inspired with his untimely death. She’s told that the first seven years of her life were spent on an isolated landmass off the coast of somewhere and that her father built a nunnery on the island.

Dude had some sick-ripped lungs to get that all out in his last breath, but whatevs.

Anyway, Elizabeth travels to the remote location to search for herself. What she finds is a bunch of murderous nuns, bad weather, and oh yeah—a multidimensional flesh monster.

I can’t hold it in anymore.

Say it with me now.

SPOILEEEEEEEEERS!

This movie had so much hype. It was featured on videos from channels like WhatCulture and Most Amazing Top Tens as a hidden gem or as a best unseen Lovecraft film. These people must have been way higher than I was when I watched it. This is film an abject failure on almost every level.

Can we start with Theresa? Who in the hell was she? This movie opens with her running around in a sackcloth and peeping into an underground flagellant nun-orgy. She’s quickly stabbed about 90 times by a faceless gimp-nun after she hides a monster faced tablet. Then Elizabeth arrives and after initially acting like she knows nothing about the nunnery. Then about 10 minutes later is randomly asking where Theresa is. This is never explained. It makes no sense.

Oh also, the only reason we know about Elizabeth’s relationship with her father, his death, and his last words is by her telling the story at least three times in exposition and internal dialog. We didn’t see the scene. We have no connection to her father or to Elizabeth’s emotional state. She just seems like an uber-bitch from moment one. Judging by the fact that Louise Salter left acting so quickly, I’m assuming the wooden performance here is her one setting. She gives us nothing. She cries, she screams, but it’s all flat. Which is a major problem in a horror film.

The hero of a horror film is the avatar of the viewer more than any other genre. While Drama and Science Fiction sit back and drink in paintings on a wall, horror is alive. Horror and Action both are interactive mediums. In horror, you need someone to root for, someone to yell at when they make the wrong decision. You need relatability or detestability to keep you on the edge of you seat.

Scares don’t work if you don’t 1—want to see the character live or 2—want to see the character die.

So while Louise Salter is a beautiful woman, much like Cara Delevingne, she can’t act.

To be fair though, all the acting is atrocious in this film. That’s something you find in most low budget, no name director movies. It doesn’t help that whoever mixed the dubbing for the film made everyone sound like they were talking through a rusted kazoo. There are many Italian traditions like you always make your own past and you always dub your dialogue in post. The great thing about most Italian films is that unlike American films of the time, the dialogue is clear and easy to understand. It’s also inadvertently hilarious. I have no idea who the sound on this film made in the 90’s is worse than the original dvd releases of Fulci’s Zombi.

Team that bad sound with lackluster special effects that can’t decide what they want to be. In one scene the blood is giallo neon and the next it’s trying to be ultra realistic. I applaud the attempt at practical effects, but they really overstepped their budget in design and their execution was limp and underwhelming. In one random sequence that has so little set-up, it feels like stubbing your toe on the plot, Sarah is revealed to be a 6 breasted demon nun, whose mutations were perfectly laid out to fit under the unusual nun habit she wore for the film.

As an aside, this is Venera Simmons only film credit that I can find and she makes the most of it. She’s the only person who gets close to actual acting, and oh my lord are her actual breasts the only good thing about this movie.

The applications they did on Venera are so poorly sculpted and applied that you can see the seams lifting where it meets her skin. I think this may be because they used either a papermache type material or attempted to bond foam latex to her. There’s a reason silicone is used in these application. Porous materials are nearly impossible to adhere to skin and even then, blending is a nightmare. The end product honestly looks like she’s playing cock rot in an after school special.

Then there’s the beast or whatever they call it. There’s literally no explanation of description given to what the main baddie is. In one point it’s a tsunami like wave, in another it looks like a giant termite, and then at the end it looks like a yeast infection. It’s poor on all counts. I feel like they used their entire visual effects budget in the five second scene showing the creature as a termite and went to Dollar General for everything else.

It’s a shame too, because the location is gorgeous and the set dressing is solid. The monetary / nunnery looks like it was pulled right out of In The Name of The Rose. It’s a haunting locale both on the interior and out. It has an implied atmosphere that the film squanders with failed jump scares and predictable timing.

The film really looks and feels like an abandoned FMV game from the 90’s. You know, like Night Trap.

Don’t watch this movie.

You don’t hate yourself that much.

Watch something that’s actual good or at least fun. If you want to watch something schlocky, checkout Dead Heat.

If you just have to see this film it’s currently streaming free on Tubi and Prime Video.