Dogs Don’t Wear Pants - Movie Review

Have you ever watched a movie that harmonizes with your soul?

Maybe that’s too poetic in phrasing.

Have you ever watched a movie that makes you feel like you’ve lost yourself? I’m not talking about an out of body experience, nothing supernatural. I’m talking about an intellectual disconnect, as if the filmmaker somehow pulled an idea from your heart?

I’m not talking about something as petty as, “Hey, I thought of that twist!”

I’m talking about a whisper in your soul that’s nagged at you in the dark moments of your life. You know the voice. We all have it. For some it’s louder than other.

It’s the oar stirring the pot of your anxiety. It gives you information to overthink. It feeds you hints at how he really feels. It confides distrust when she shows up late. It’s the subconscious conjecture machine that generates the static that keeps you up at night. Though, there’s times when it’s your only confidant.

Or maybe that’s just me.

I don’t have many friends and none that check in on my with any regularity. I surrounded myself with people very similar in practice to my parents. A broken man attracts things that need fixing. I say this not to guilt people in my life, but to illustrate that my inner dialogue is sometimes more real than the world around me.

Being a manic depressive drug addict that originated from a broken home who tested sky-high in every intellectual category and never lived up to the idea of who he was supposed to be isn’t something easily related to. I grew up next to the children of kings of industry and otherwise. I attended lavish events and dined on delicacy, but lived in my car. I grew up out of place and out of time. I developed my own psychosis to cope, as we all do.

Old and sober now, I look back on the ashes of all the bridges I’ve burnt and I wonder if I’d want to change it. Would restoring that road undo what little good I’ve done? Would I lose my daughter? Maybe.

Would that risk dissuade me from trying?

That is Dogs Don’t Wear Pants.

As the credits rolled, I felt a soreness in my chest. How could a film with so little dialogue affect me to such a degree? I had to wait a full 24 hours before attempting a review because I was too emotional. If you read my reviews often—high to that person when you exist—you’ll know that it’s rare for me to watch two good movies back to back. My last review was a love letter to My Heart Can’t Beat Unless You Tell It To. Which was in rarified air alongside The Eyes of My Mother and Midsommar.

This film is a level above that.

Dogs Don’t Wear Pants is a 2019 Finnish character study brought to us by writer/director J.-P. Valkeapaa. The film descriptions you find online describe it as a dark comedy. Which makes sense, as Finnish humor is normally quite morbid.Which makes sense as they’re a tough, independent people living in a harsh environment. Such things breed interesting bed fellows, intellectually speaking. This film is evidence of that.

The film focuses on a surgeon named Juha, played by Pekka Strang, whose wife tragically drowned in front of their young daughter. Juha almost lost his life trying to save her, but was rescued and resuscitated. Unfortunately, the expiring took all feeling out of life. Juha is numb, not just to physical pain, but also pleasure. He raises his daughter and focuses on routine. A surgeon by trade, he operates day in and day out. He saves lives, cares for his daughter, eats, sleeps, repeats. It’s a cycle that wears on him like water on a stone. One night, a chance encounter makes him feel alive again. It’s a momentary flash of light that pierces the depth of his depression, but as quick as it arrived it’s out of reach. Juha becomes addicted to chasing it through appointments with a Mona, played by the incomparable Krista Kosonen, an underground dominatrix. As lines blur and Mona finds herself just as addicted to the chase, but for her own selfish reasons, their lives begin to come together as their psyche’s tear apart. Will they survive their joint annihilation, or will they give into the sweet oblivion? Find out in Dogs Don’t Wear Pants.

I’m not doing spoilers on this one.

It needs to be experienced to be understood. You need to put your phone away, turn out the lights, and watch the screen. There is little if any exposition in this film. The majority of the film is told through the non-verbal brilliance of the two leads. While Pekka Strang gives the performance of a lifetime, he’s outshone by Krista Kosonen. Whose performance is superhuman.

If this were an American made film, she’d had been nominated for an Oscar. The movie would have also been weaker for it. This film needs to be watched in the original language, with subtitles of course. American filmmaking would have toned down the graphic violence and the artistic wizardry.

Everything hinges on Krista Kosonen. From minute one, you can’t take your eyes away from her. She demands your breath and you give it away. Every time she’s on screen, in her costume or plainclothes, she dominates. She is so powerful and so fragile in equal measure. Kosonen gives Mona so much power through her use of posture, body language, and that wonderful face. She told a thousand stories with her expressions and her intonation. By the time you see her smile, really smile, you feel it like a punch to the chest. She’s the drug that gets the viewer addicted to watching Juha’s journey. We follow him and find ourself walking alongside him. We’re chasing that glimmer of hope just as much as this poor guy.

Both of these actors could have retired after this film and I’d put them in my film hall of fame.

J.-P. Valkeapaa is a master. The film is shot in such a clean, modern style that lulls you into an almost beige mindset and then bombards you with vibrant, mood altering colors.

This is Lars Von Trier meets Dario Argento.

With the added bonus of Krista Kosonen.

In the unlikely chance she ever reads this. Your performance has laid anchor in my heart. You’ve got a lifelong fan in me.

Watch this film if you liked my novel Eden, or enjoy alternative love stories. If you’re into S&M, whether you lie about it or not, or if you’re just bored of the stale American movie scene. Take a chance on this one.

Maybe you’ll learn something.

Dogs Don’t Wear Pants is streaming exclusively on SHUDDER.