The Ruins - Movie Review
Terror has evolved. That was one of the marketing catchphrases for this film, which is hilarious because the film is one of the oldest set-ups in the book.
Let’s discuss…
The Ruins is a 2008 horror film based on the hugely popular 2006 novel of the same name written by Scott Smith. I was working at Borders Books when The Ruins hit the shelf. I remember it was a huge conversation starter in the cafe, of which I was gladly exiled to for my entire Borders “career”. I love being a barista at a place where I was guaranteed to talk with people who had new viewpoints and ideas. Being a barista is like being a bartender, except a barista serves uppers. People love to fill the barista in on gossip or new fads. I remember a customer being over the moon to swing by and tell me about this new book she found that had made her nauseous. That book was The Ruins.
Anyone that knows me, knows I’m a gore-hound. I love brutality, but the violence needs to serve a purpose. For me, horror is an art form for artist/activists. Horror writers and directors can use their art to provide an opinion on a topic they believe in and give the message without beating your head in with preachy exposition. I understood the anti-consumerism slant of Dawn of the Dead without anyone mentioning supply-side economics or images of burning Reagan headshots that are so oft heard and seen in other genres. Or in the case of my favorite sub-genre, French Extreme, the filmmakers vented the rage and unrest the students were experiencing in the riots filling the Paris streets. Horror gives us all a way to give our opinion, but with monsters…
The reason I bring this up is that, after speaking to that customer, I had ZERO interest in The Ruins. Needless to say, I didn’t see the film when it was released. I saw decent reviews, but didn’t pay too much attention. 2008 was an absolutely stacked year for horror. Splinter, Repo: The Genetic Opera, The Strangers, and Martyrs are good examples of how good the horror charcuterie platter was in that 12 month cycle. I probably would have continued to disregard this film, but a friend requested a watch party. Guess what movie she picked?
The Ruins starts us at the end of a Erik and Stacy’s (Played by: Shawn Ashmore and Laura Ramsey) vacation. They’re in Mexico with their friends Jeff (Jonathan Tucker) and Amy (Jena Malone) to celebrate the end of college. They are obviously from wealthy stock as their clothing, jewelry, etc. are top notch. The resort they are staying at is also made to look fairly high-end. It’s implied that the group has known each other for awhile, but they are soon going to break up the band as Jeff is about to move across the country to go to Med. School. The problem is, the only reason I know these things is because I pulled up the Wiki page. The writing in this film is so obtuse and brief that God help you if you want to figure out who these people are. These a good actors, but they are given absolutely nothing. Apparently Amy is pissed at Jeff, because he’s moving. Jeff doesn’t give a shit about Amy, because he’s moving, but half the time he acts like he does? No matter what he does, Jena Malone’s acting doesn’t change. She channels Kristen Stewart from Twilight. I hope that the director just mailed it in, because if this was his best effort, and he was PAID for this…
Take a breath.
So, our cake-eating college kids meet a pool boy working at the resort. He’s come from Germany to see his brother, but his brother chased after a girl archeologist to her dig site (Not a Euphemism) and never came back. Jeff, being tired of his immature girlfriend’s non-stop party, volunteers the group to go with him to see the newly uncovered temple. It’s pitched as a tourism trip and the Mathias from Munich (That’s actually in the movie), the German pool boy, acts like its just a Funtime. Joe Anderson, the actor playing the character, shows no sign of concern, anxiety, etc. He seems like a chill dude who’s looking for a good time. Yet, when the American Eagle Crew hit the middle of nowhere Ruins from the title, Mathias turns into a completely different person. He immediately runs up the pyramid screaming for his brother as if he’s been searching for him for years. No one in the group of college kids ever question why Mathias is acting like a madman. It’s so strange.
Anyway…
Matthias’ brother is nowhere to be found, but they can hear his phone ringing in the depths of the temple. This leads to a quick, ludicrous sequence that includes.
grabs clipboard
Matthias falling thirty feet and breaking every bone in his body. He’s shown like a human hedgehog with compound fracture spines. Whoever was doing the audio sfx deserves an Oscar, the noises that are produced when Matthias tries to move or is moved by others is gut-churning. I can’t even comprehend how many bundles of celery sacrificed their lives for that effect.
Stacy is lowered down, but since they don’t have enough rope, the team tells her to jump… She hits the ground and pops a few bones out of her leg.
Stacy finds that the phone is actually a horde of carnivorous Georgie O’keefe vagina flowers that have Predator-voice-mimicking powers. The flowers somehow knew that the people that randomly showed up wouldn’t have phone signal, so they mimicked the ringtone of a vintage Nokia candy bar phone. Then the flowers hop around like starfishes and chase her in a horde or roaring fury. Silliness aside, this is the one amazing sequence in the film. Up to this point we’ve had terrible dialog, nonsensical human interaction, an exploded head and three exploded legs. Not much to write home about. Giant horde of carnivorous vulvas chasing a hot blonde through an Indiana Jones tunnel? You son-of-a-bitch, I’m in.
Poor Stacy has plants invade her wounds and begin crawling through her body in increasingly graphic scenes.
Mathias’ legs are completely infested with vines and flowers. You’d think at this point, they’d just kill the poor guy. He’s quadriplegic, bleeding to death, but they keep giving him rations. They nurse his suffering and then it just gets worse.
Jeff decides to cut off Mathias’ legs to prevent him dying from infection. Mind you… Jeff is not a doctor. He hasn’t even started med school. They are ontop of a dusty, vaginal flower infested pyramid with no water, towels, or antibiotics. Yet, he cuts off Mathias fuckin’ legs and the camera does not cut away. It is unbelievably gory to the point where even I had to look away for a second. It’s a brutal scene that in a good movie, would have been an incredible moment. In this movie, it just feels exploitative.
I’m not going to ruin the terrible ending that follows this succession of insanity. This movie is trash. If I were watching this by myself, I’d have been upset that I’d wasted my time. With a friend over Discord… It was actually a blast. This is a great group watch. The dialogue is so trash it screams for you and your guests to provide your own. The special effects are actually top notch. The digital effects of the “monster plant” and the practical gore hold up well for a pre-2010s film.
So, I guess the final verdict is:
Watch it with a group of friends, high off your ass (God’s Lettuce), like I did, or don’t watch it at all.
The Ruins is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.
