Blood Glacier (2013) - Movie Review
What would you get if Greta Thunberg decided to attempt to remake John Carpenter’s The Thing?
You’re about to find out.
This movie popped up on my recommended tab Prime/Shudder, so I decided to watch the trailer… which wasn’t great. So I did a little research and found that this film is on various lists of best Lovecraftian films. So, being a Lovecraft junkie, I decided to give it a watch. A decision I can never take back.
Blood Glacier is a eco-horror / creature feature film brought to us by the great nation of Austria. I’m not going to go into the careers of the filmmakers as I don’t speak Austrian and quite honestly—if I’d worked on this move I would have asked for the Alan Smithee treatment. It’s poorly written, poorly acted, and the direction / editing is so janky that I honestly have no idea where certain characters came from and what the hell was happening at a few points.
The film focuses on Janik, a technician working at a remote research station in the Alps. Having been dumped by his significant other, he’s isolated himself from the world. Unfortunately, the world comes knocking when a government team alerts him that they are coming to tour the facility—led by his ex. This would be stressful enough, but add in the strange red glacier that seems to be transforming the local wildlife into chthonic beasts, its untenable. As bodies pile up and the beasts close in, will Janik figure out how to save his ex and escape the station or will they all be consumed by the effects of the Blood Glacier?
It was hard even doing a summary.
This movie is the Wish.com The Thing.
But unlike The Thing and the recent Thing ripoff Harbinger Down, this film lacks any humor or self awareness. They make statements about the ozone layer being permanently damaged, but as anyone who actually keeps themselves educated would know—the ozone layer has actually healed immensely since the 90’s to the point where the great Ozone fears of the mid-nineties are completely moot.
Everything is so dour and grey that it’s just not enjoyable to watch. None of the characters are likable, the storyline is all over the place—I mean there’s a point where the film cuts to a girl running through the alps in booty shorts. This is the FUCKING ALPS! It’s like 0 degrees Celsius.
Oh and where the hell did she come from? Everyone else that made it to the facility had to get there by helicopter. They emphasized how insanely remote this facility is, and yet this hitchhiker girl in summer clothes somehow found her way all the way up the miles of remote wilderness.
Do they ever explain this?
No.
Does it leads to anything meaningful other than another corpse on the pile?
No.
This curvy female character is just added to the film to try and create more tension, but instead it just breaks any immersion that I had.
But the special effects are good right?
No, they’re not. They are a step below Dead Alive. The creatures are supposed to be mash-ups of existing creatures that were genetically bonded together by the glacier ooze. However, they all just look like papermache bugs made by my daughter’s elementary school class. They aren’t very articulated, which would be fine if the sculpt on them was impressive. However, as previously mentioned—they weren’t.
I know I’m a snob on this, being a professional sculpture, but when you’re making a creature feature—maybe focus on the creature and not paying more actors to play character that have no point in being in the film.
I don’t know how this preachy, poorly executed film makes it on so many top-ten lists. The only other person I know who saw the film had the same opinion as me.
So I’m lost.
If you want to watch this dumpster fire it’s currently streaming on Shudder.
