Reviews So Sad, I Couldn’t Write Them in Longform.

I know this article will upset most folks who read it.

I get it.

Politics has become the overriding factor in Hollywood. Filmmakers either willingly force in diversity, or are forced out of large budget productions. If you don’t agree with someone, then you’re a candidate to be burned at the stake.

Let me be clear, I’m not an Alt-Right person. I tend to walk the line between classic Liberal and moderate Libertarian. To put that in perspective, my main beliefs are treat everyone fairly and reduce the government’s involvement in our lives.

That’s it. I hate politics,I hate talking politics, and the that politics has infected art in a way unseen in history.

Filmmakers and Writers used to be able to deftly weave their messages and beliefs into their stories and still be entertaining. Look at John Carpenter for the best example. Mainly because he’s the man who truly shaped my view on the world.

But nowadays, filmmakers just want to flog their own bishop on screen atop a soapbox of whatever’s fashionable currently.

I watch movies to escape my real life.

If I wanted a sermon, I’d go to church.

Not all of these reviews are bad, none of them are truly good.

These are my “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” reviews that I just didn’t have the heart to finish writing.

I’ve never seen a television fail at every single aspect of storytelling. This show is a vapid flex on comic book fans by people who obviously never read the brilliant comics by John Byrne.

I religiously read his She-Hulk run because it was one of the first 3-dimensional female characters. She was funny, strong, and most of all…. self aware. That was what made She-hulk so unique. Oh and the very important allegory to the Aids crisis of how she got her powers—a corrupted blood transfusion.

If you don’t know, many people got HIV from bad blood transfusions at that time. The most famous of which was Ryan White.

This show omits every single thing that made this character great.

She’s a moronic drunkard who hates pretty much everyone, including herself. I can’t really blame the actress of the cast, as the writing was so poor and meandering that there really isn’t a true conflict or any tension to make you want to watch another episode.

Oh, and the special effects look like ClayFighter 64.

I liked the original Shazam. It was a fun kid centric superhero film with cool monsters and the always relatable story of Billy Batson being abandoned and finally learning what family means.

The acting was good, the writing was just witty enough to give it the old Shazam charm. The special effects were acceptable.

It was a kids movie! My daughter actually enjoyed watching it.

…and in that respect, Shazam 2 succeeds. My daughter liked this movie. It had killer unicorns! Come-on, what daughter of a monster maker wouldn’t like that?

The problem is… this movie feels like it was written by AI. The script is so disjointed and flawed. No one behaves like a normal human being. The kids are all assholes. The parents are depicted as morons—whether intentional or not. The villains don’t have a clear plan and their powers are not every fully defined. It just doesn’t work.

The casting of Lucy Liu is also a head scratcher. Why are the daughters of the Greek Titan Atlas multicultural? I’m all for diversity, but this stretched credulity. The daughters of a Greem titan in this are a British woman, an asian woman, and a hispanic girl. It would be one thing if they looked anything alike, but they are completely different! They also have 0 chemistry.

I love Lucy Liu. I loved her in Payback and Kill Bill, but to say her acting was wooden would be a massive understatement.

Then there’s the ending which is one of the worst film endings I’ve ever seen. It ruins any sentiment or gravity of the film. It makes the entire film pointless for the sake of a super lame joke that ran throughout. Ugh.

Sweet Jesus.

Sweeeeeeeeet Baby Jesus.

After Crystal Skull, I knew this had very little chance of being good—but I had no idea it would be this bad.

I’m glad Harrison Ford got another paycheck I guess, but how many can he cash before his legacy is completely bankrupt? I mean, he has one franchise left if he decided to return to the role of Jack Ryan, but other than that—I think he’s cashed in all of his credit with any fans that stuck around after his near constant, disdainful treatment of them.

This film is one of the most expensive ever made and somehow has one of the worst scripts I’ve ever read. This is a game of telephone where half the people are deaf and the other half want all men castrated. Every male character is a useless imbecile including the villain.

How do you ruin Madds Mikkelsen?

Watch this movie and find out.

This is a nonsensical, over-long mess of a movie. The action scenes are so poorly cgi’d that you can see the seams.

How does a movie this expensive had worse special effects than Ant-Man: Quantumania?

The acting is terrible across the board, but I can’t blame the actors too much with material this bad.

Please don’t pay to see this.

Now for the controversial topic.

This is the one I’ll probably get death threats for.

I love John Wick.

I went to the theaters to see all of the films.

This is the worst one.

It’s almost three-hours long that felt like 6.

Bill Skarsgard’s French accent is awful and I spent the last 2 years working in Europe managing inventory. His acting is so over the top and cliche that he lacks any true menace.

There are too many characters, none of which get any fleshing out. You have man with dog who maybe is a bad guy, maybe isn’t? Who knows, we never really find out anything. You have John Wick getting all his friends killed, but you don’t care because we don’t know any of their back story or why they are willing to die for him.

In John Wick Parabellum, Halee Berry’s character helps John because he saved her daughter from the table. In this movie, you don’t find out anything about the side characters other than that they are expendable.

The fight scenes are overlong and monotonous. Having choreographed fights as a martial artist and stage director, it was blatantly obvious that they reused choreographed fight sequences at multiple points.

Yes it’s beautifully shot.

Yes there’s glorious long tracking shots of paintings and landscapes and this and that… but that’s not what John Wick was. It was a fast paced, brief action movie that always left you on a cliffhanger.

This movie is the slow death of the series that felt more like the director wanted to prove he was an artist rather than compose a true sendoff of the character.

But let’s be real.

I’d still watch this over any of the other movies on this list.

Love to Keanu.